naked and vulnerable

This is about the zillionth time I began this post before deleting it and starting over. To be fair, the internet just went out and I didn’t save my last draft. It has been a month since attempting to write. Feeling naked and vulnerable I recommence once again.

vulnerable or pissed off?
vulnerable or pissed off?

Do you ever feel as though it makes no difference what you do? Any efforts made still end in the same result. At the least it’s frustrating and paralyzing at most.

why vulnerable?

Although a confessed crier, I am strong. Being self-aware, I pride myself in an internal locus of control. After an unexpected lay off this past spring, I focused on what I could control to help the situation.

Going to the gym daily, writing, visiting friends, job searching and networking were all part of the daily routine. Blogging and working out became mainstays of sanity. I also discovered the joy of vlogging. There is something therapeutic about creating a video then editing the heck out of it.

Because I spent so much free time blogging, my friends designed a brand spanking new self-hosted site for me. It was beautiful and I was proud. Life was pretty good for a little while.

The vulnerability came in the fact that at least once a week for the past several months, my blogsite was hacked. It was not unusual to log in and be redirected to porn. Geez! I have no problem with porn if that is your thing.

Yes, I am a mermaid! No, I am not a porn queen. For whatever reason, a bored hacker found my site completely irresistible. After switching servers several times, I despaired.

what is a mermaid to do?

It was embarrassing to think that future potential employers were being redirected to porn. I’m not that kind of professional! Also, it stole my ability to write and publish posts. Suddenly, half of my sanity sanctuary was disturbed.

Eventually I came to the decision that having a self-hosted site was overrated. True, I would lose customizations but hopefully the hackers might leave me alone. After a little tweaking, I have rejoined and hope to once again float down streams of consciousness that bring me joy and fulfillment.

lesson learned: the grass isn’t always greener…

I might never have realized the beauty of not being self hosted hadn’t tried something new. It is a shame the hackers won the battle. In the end, they will not control me or my blog.

It is time to put my clothes back on (naked metaphor) and get back to the laptop. I hate feeling vulnerable but sometimes it can’t be avoided. In the end, it’s how I react rather than the stimulus itself that matters.

Porn again?? Really????
Porn again?? Really????



8 thoughts on “naked and vulnerable

  1. Stephanie Buchwieser says:

    This is modern feminism: being strong when times get tough and staying true to the way you look and live. Keep it up, Miriam , you are very inspirational!


  2. 1959duke says:

    Don’t feel bad. I deal in Antiques and one of my booths had a horrible month of July. When I realized it I was like “What did I do wrong”? I’ll stew on it for a few more hours then brush it off. You write really well.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s