continuing search for spirituality; do I matter?

“Today is the first day of the rest of your existential crisis.”
— John McGill

Do I matter? Why am I obsessed with this? In an ongoing quest for spirituality, I continually return to the same question. Would it be a serious search if I didn’t ponder the meaninglessness of life?

Hmm…Perhaps I’m in an existential crisis.

Existential Crisis

A deep, obsessive concern with unanswered questions about the meaning of life and existence, resulting in the disruption of one’s daily life and characterized by long or short-lasting bouts of apathy and depression.
“Dude, what’s up with Steve?”
“He’s been reading a lot of Nietzsche and watching How the Universe Works on the Discovery Channel, now he’s having an existential crisis.”

Realizing the sun doesn’t rise and/or set around me, I’m not sure where I fit in? I am an eeny-teeny-itsy-witsy-bitsy blip on the radar. But does that make me completely insignificant? Blips have feelings too.

attempting to fly out of an existential crisis
attempting to fly out of an existential crisis

why does it matter if I matter?

The real question is, do I matter to me? If in the end there is only self, It should not make one bit of difference whether I am important to anyone else.

The existential self really makes sense to me. Through self awareness, we are able to make choices that affect our lives. Having a strong internal locus of control, I am not a victim of circumstance but a player in my own life.

Man is condemned to be free; because once thrown into the world, he is responsible for everything he does.
It is up to you to give [life] a meaning.
― Jean-Paul Sartre

Anxiety is unavoidable. It comes from fear of life, death, choices, isolation etc. Should I embrace uncertainty instead and simply accept its existence? Perhaps it is after anxiety is acknowledged, I can move past it.

an authentic lifestyle

If I can’t be me, I don’t want to be anybody. In an attempt to live up to others expectations, my authentic self is smothered.

Life choices are mine. If I am living and loving authentically, there is no self abandonment, which is what brought me to this search for spirituality in the first place.

hear me

I have an intense desire to be heard. Is this due to an existential malaise or because I want to make a difference somewhere? (or is it the same thing?) Is there something I should be saying?

Oy! I almost forgot about the authentic self for a moment. Old habits die hard.

An acquaintance related this blog to a form of prayer in that I find writing cathartic. I wonder if it is a way for me to fill a spiritual void?

So far, this exploration into the depths of spirituality has given me more questions than answers. Will I ever uncover life’s meaning? I like thinking that it is up to me to determine my own significance.

Have you ever encountered an existential crisis? Share your thoughts and stories.


8 thoughts on “continuing search for spirituality; do I matter?

  1. ThePhilosophers'Lounge says:

    I would say that an existential crisis is just the realization that the ‘reality’ we thought to be reality wasn’t reality, but a little thought people attempt to squeeze reality into. Reality is, and we are; the crisis is when we cease to just be.


      1. ThePhilosophers'Lounge says:

        By being still, completely still — bring your mind and your body into subjection to the present. In the present there is nothing that needs to be done, nothing that needs to be thought of, no evidence necessary for your existence. Meditate, breathe deeply, stay your mind.
        Try this: go to somewhere silent, shut your eyes, take deep breaths, and think of absolutely nothing for five minutes right now. See how you feel after.


      2. miriamgomberg says:

        It actually took five minutes to get out of my head before I could truly meditate. I feel amazingly more calm and a lot less like crying. Remembering how shevasana was once nearly impossible for me in yoga while laying on the floor wild-eyed waiting to get up and start my day. thank you for this peaceful gift.


  2. Amy Marschall says:

    Great thoughts! I had my first existential crisis in high school, when I realized that no matter how hard I worked, no matter how good my grades are, and no matter what I decided to do with my life, I would eventually die. I agree with the other poster that mindfulness and learning to experience the moment is the only way to get any true enjoyment out of whatever time I do have, and I have also found that finding ways to bring others happiness can help with concerns over worthlessness that can stem from an existential crisis. Once in a while the nausea creeps up with the thought that, no matter what I do to improve the lives of others, they will eventually die too, so I try to think about things on a universal level – as long as I am working towards happiness for myself and my surroundings, I am doing what I can to give my own life meaning.


    1. miriamgomberg says:

      Amy, that is really beautiful. I’m not so worried about death as much as life. Choices terrify me and the thought of being utterly and completely alone overwhelm me sometimes. I agree with what you both say about learning to live in the now. Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting. M


  3. russianfootballbeareating says:

    If you need to justify being special then why not just believe in Jesus. Jesus thinks you’re special, or how bout Islam 72 virgins in heaven, that should make you feel super special 🙂


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